A crisis of the will.

My will has been my own for so long that I don’t even recognize it as selfishness. Before recovery, I was so wrapped up in protecting myself and my secret that I could no longer notice or admit to the truth. Fantacy corrupted reality.

Surrendering my will is a daily challenge. Just to bring my self-centeredness to mind is difficult and I often skip that acknowledgement during my morning routine. “God I offer myslef to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self.” These words are a great reminder to surrender everything to God.

A year ago I had a major relapse. I remember the incident now because I just reread what I wrote about it. I connected by text to someone from my dark past. I had blocked his number but somehow he made contact. It was easy to step into the soothing waters of pleasuring myself. The arousal intensified as we texted for over five hours. Lust grows through experiences like that until there’s no turning back, no stopping.

Lust kills love, love for self and love for others. Surrender is the only option to curtail addiction and connection with another person is the doorway to surrender. Victory from my difficulties comes from surrender to God. I need a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity. But keeping this truth to myslef doesn’t help. Only when I share with a brother, only when I am completely honest, only then, will the moment of victory arrive. Thy will not mine be done. May I do thy will always.

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