I admitted that I had a problem in September of 2017. I first had to admit it to myself. I recognized that God already knew, but I also admitted it to him again. I pledged to be honest about my same sex attraction that day and have not turned back, no more hiding, no more lurking in the dark. When I started in SA I admitted more specifically a third time that I was powerless over lust and that my life had become unmanageable.
Oswald Chambers says, “The feebleness of the church is being criticized today, and the criticism is justified. One reason for the feebleness is that there has not been this focus on the true center of spiritual power. We have not dwelt enough on the tragedy of Calvary or on the meaning of redemption.”
I’d like to keep this notion of feebleness at arms length. I don’t like to think of myself as a weakling let alone act like it. I needed to present myself as a strong person – someone to be respected. The irony is that I’m really not feeble when I turn my will over to God.
I thought I’d turned my life over to God when I was at church camp in junior high. But the addict in me was taking root at about the same time and a war between my will for acting out and God’s will began at age 14 and continued for 50 years. This battle of guilt, shame and powerlessness raged on and on and on.
At times I fought with all my might to rid myself of lust. I knew it was wrong and the guilt and shame I felt after acting out, especially that first time with another man, was extreme evidence. I tried to stop, over and over and over again. I even sought help and was relieved from the grip of addiction for a short time.
Chambers says our feebleness is in our lack of focus on the center of the spiritual power that is available to us. SA also says that the addict’s problem is essentially a spiritual one. “It [our addiction] got us high on ourselves, short-circuiting any meaningful connection with others and God.” White Book Page 52. “Most of us confused the personal with the sexual, as though only the sexual aspect of this union would satisfy what essentially is a spiritual drive.” Page 54. Ultimately, lust kills God. And finally, “The insanity of our delusion damns us to a condition where truth about ourselves cannot penetrate. We must finally ask, Doesn’t all this add up to spiritual death?” Page 56
So yes, I am powerless. I admit it. This first step of honesty before God, and now before others, is what is different this time. I tried to be honest with God before. He knows how trapped I was because he’s omnipresent, and also because I brought my trouble to Him over and over again. But I wasn’t ready, really ready, to receive the help I needed from others. Now I surrender to God daily, go to meetings and work the steps. Herein lies my only hope.