In what or in whom do I believe? If I examine my belief system closely, I must confess that the center of my beliefs is me. At least that’s the way I act. When a problem comes my way I believe I can solve it logically. If I simply apply good thinking to the issue, I can reach the appropriate conclusion. I will likely pray for God’s help but I won’t really believe he will solve my problem, at least not in the way that benefits me.
When I entered recovery, I came to realize that I am powerless over several, maybe many, things in my life. I was living an out of control life, insane and unmanageable. I had tried over and over again to stop bad behaviors but logic and self-will were insufficient. I pledged to stop and all that happened was that I’d be sober for a short time and then go back to acting out. Each time the frequency between my addictive cycles seemed to grow shorter and shorter.
Sunday marked three months of sobriety. The last month seemed particularly hard as I stepped close to the edge of oblivion several times, drawn there by memories and fantasies. By God’s grace I did not enter into the darkness although I certainly paced around the edges. I am realizing more and more how I need God and I need the help of my brothers in the fellowship. The way I will remain sober is working on it, one day at a time, believing I am powerless to stop but that God will restore me to sanity.
So I no longer believe in myself as a means to my survival. Today I am asking “God to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. “ – Big Book p. 86
God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. My belief in God has switched from being something for my own self-interest and benefit to believing that he will help others through me if my own life is in order.