Another first day . . .

Today I go back to teaching full time for the next five weeks. I’m apprehensive but confident. Yup, there’s a paradox for you. I’m not as planned as I’d like to be. I need another week to make long range plans, to make sure I’m meeting the standards set forth in the curriculum, to set up the room, all this especially in biology – the class I was asked to teach last Wednesday for four periods each day. I just barely got out lesson plans completed at 630 pm last night for biology for the next four days.

Chambers says to pray. Of course, I don’t pray enough. My prayer seems to be a mix of reading devotionals and scripture and then journaling like this. These entries are a prayer, but I don’t very often write, “Oh God, btw, would you mind helping me out today.”

My life’s a wreck because 11 months ago I began the journey of addiction recovery. Coming out to my wife and family has wrecked havoc in my life. The last four days have been some of the most painful days so far. I can’t shake the stone cold feeling in my gut (heart), and I haven’t been sleeping enough. I’m leaning into the pain by talking to fellows in the 12-step program and my pastor who is a close friend. It helps temporarily but the pain returns. Maybe it is tuned down a very small fraction but I can’t really tell. It still hurts so badly.

I’ve also gone to a meeting everyday since last Friday and will go to another one tonight. The meetings help but yesterday I found myself judging members in the meeting, their character, their ability to communicate, and their woosie problems. What a prideful prick I am. God forgive me for my haughtiness. I am self obsessed.

Today, my wife and I go see our couples counselor. I’m anxious about that because my emotions are still really intense. I feel like a worm with a sword because I’m beating myself up about all that I have caused the woman I pledged my life to and I’m mad, all at the same time. God help me to sit with the pain today in our counseling session this afternoon. I so want to give the counselor and my wife a piece of my mind. But I know it will do no good.

Lord, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with my as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will.

Ask and ye shall receive.” We grouse before God, we are apologetic or apathetic, but we ask very few things. Yet what a splendid audacity a childlike child has! Our Lord says — “Except ye…become as little children.” Ask, and God will do. Give Jesus Christ a chance, give Him elbow room, and no man will ever do this unless he is at his wits’ end. When a man is at his wits’ end it is not a cowardly thing to pray, it is the only way he can get into touch with Reality. Be yourself before God and present your problems, the things you know you have come to your wits’ end over. As long as you are self-sufficient, you do not need to ask God for anything. – O Chambers

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