Perplexed

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 2 Cor 4:8

It’s 945, hot and I’m sweating. I’m on the deck, shirtless, nurturing a tan I birthed in April in Yuma.

My addiction is after me this morning. Keeping my mind on God is a chore. Today God, moment by moment, please keep me from lust producing memories, fantasies and objectification. I’m powerless to control my desire to masturbate. I like it, I want it. My obsession with myself fuels the desire. Keep me open to receiving help from others. I lie to myself because I still think I can control my behavior.

Relieve me from the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Reveal your will to me today in chunks I can obey. By your grace, I can travel the path of life that you make known to me bit by bit.

I am pressed on every side by the pain I have brought on myself and others. Often, it is so tightly wrapped around my chest I can hardly catch a breath. Yet, I still think about trading short term pleasure for more long term pain. That’s the perplexing part. It can drive me to despair. Only you can keep me from that pit.

I am grateful for the connection with my son and two friends last night. The beer was good, but the greater blessing was being with these men and not sitting at home alone. Help me make opportunities for connection. The fellowship with other believers is life giving. I need it, though my first thoughts are of independence, self-protection and isolation.

I am not crushed by the weight of my addiction because you are my strength. I don’t know exactly how this works but somehow it does. Often, like today, just showing up in a time of reflection on you and your word keeps me from insanity and wakes me up to the opportunities that you will make known to me.

Give me the courage to change the things I can and the peace, that passes all understanding, to lean into everything you bring my way today.