“In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

John 1:4-5 ESV


For 50 years I have fearfully walked in the shadows. I have accepted and known Jesus as Lord and savior. But I have continued to walk in the flesh. I have lived according to the law of sin and death. The law of the Spirit has always been available to me but I have not received it. Instead, I let the desires of the flesh slowly consume me. I was extinguishing Jesus’ light in my life, one candle at a time. Oh, in Jesus, there are a lot of candles, but my darkness was none-the -less consuming the light.

I want to live by the Spirit. I want to keep step with the Spirit on the path of life that God makes known to me. His Spirit is a willing leader on that path. I desire to be a willing follower. It takes the work of my will to follow. It is not an automatic response, a reflex like jerking my hand back from a hot stove. It takes a combination of surrendering my will and God’s mercy and grace in my life. My only way out is surrender; I cannot do anything on my own.

Today, I disclose to my wife my sin from the last 50 years. I must do so humbly, without honor. There is absolutely no honor in what I have done. But I also must stand erect in my sorrow , my pain, my loneliness, my fear and in my experience of being rejected. It is my calling today, to acknowledge the many ways I have been unfaithful to my wife and to God. I am called to acknowledge them and feel them while remaining on my feet.

Today I am a whole person, an honest person. Passing the polygraph on Saturday doesn’t make me an honest person. God’s moment by moment grace and mercy in my life to live by and to practice the truth make me an honest person. This is the highest form of integrity to have what is on the inside match up with who I am on the outside and this only by receiving grace upon grace from the fullness of Christ.

“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

John 1:14, 16 ESV


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