Without Restraint

Lord, I pray that my spirit might be in step with your Spirit.

“The years that lie behind you, will be remembered only as the way that led to your new life.” – Nouwen

The sordid details of my story still scourge my heart. I long for the time when they will not haunt me. I want to tell my story freely but not compulsively. I want others to see that when I am powerless to control my addiction and when I fully surrender to Christ, then the grip of my lust loosens and I regain my footing to walk in step with God’s Spirit.

This is the season for the full disclosure to my wife. The video of euphoric recall presses upon my chest. Breathing is compressed and shallow. My heart gallops as if running from the pain. I hope and pray that she will not be crushed by the iniquity of my actions. I do not want to see the pain re-enter her eyes. My soul weeps as the day of disclosure draws near.

When I return to my story urgently, it enlivens my current suffering in light of past experiences. I long to speak of my past from the place where it no longer dominates me, and I can talk about it slowly with a sense of distance and of freedom. As I live forward, my past will not loom over me. It will lose its weight. When I am free to speak and live and have my being as a servant of Christ, I remember that my past was God’s way of making me more compassionate and understanding towards others.